9/2/2018 Atonement in the Stars

Guess what you are looking at here? It’s the last page of Sheila’s book, the final version, that will be going out to Beta readers next week (minus my illustrations and doodles of course). It’s been a long road to get here, but I think old Sheil’ is ready to publish this thing soon. I can’t stop dreaming about......have to stop there. Not allowed to review yet...soon though, very soon! She is already working on book 2!!!! EEKEEEK!!!!

It’s been a week since I wrote here, and I wouldn’t even call that writing. I have been posting some pics with poetry by others and I did a little ditty down there called REST, by “Me” as well. It’s a few blog posts down, so check it honey. That’s some blogworthy stuff in my book.

​Anyhow, I’ve been busy, reading Sheila’s book, reading Maps of Meaning (yes I’m still reading this...I have several irons in the fire), working, going to doctor appointments, running my children to neverending things they love to do. I am Mom, Dad, Taxi, cook, laundry lady, doctor, psychologist, friend, and teacher all rolled into one. It’s a fantastic existence. Really it is.

As a gift to myself this week though, I went for a walk, a long walk. Unexpectedly, my husband was home from work, so I took advantage and left him to care for the children while I went out. I think I walked about 3 miles that night. I almost got hit by a couple cars, was chased by some dogs and saw a snake too, I think, but I also got this great picture of Venus and Jupiter. (Greg!!! I hope you like the picture!)

Why do I feel like a world away when I am outside at night? So much can go wrong for me, every single day. Its very complicated to go and do and want and survive. Some days I cannot do it, I cry and retreat. On those days, all I have to do is wait until night falls and go outside. I lay in my field, and stare into the abyss of darkness above us all. I survive during the day, just to live at night.

On a more fun note, I convinced Lindsay to do a scavenger hunt with me for this small business Saturday thing in the town where we live. It was raining, and miserable taking selfies, but it was really fun. It was good to get out of the house for my own reasons and not for others. We supported some small town businesses, got free cookies and had Queso for lunch. I love this girl. She is down for anything.

Today was a tough day. I woke up in pain, probably from all the running around I did yesterday and the fact that my blood levels are at a real low. I may have overdone it.... It sucks being sick and being bedridden beyond your control sometimes. It is nice though, to wake up and be able to see something beautiful, even when you are utterly miserable. It reminds me that I’m so small, and that my pain is so small, compared to other people’s problems. People are dying and suffering and being tortured in other places, and I’m just here.

So it doesn’t seem so big after you think of it that way right? I fixed myself up and drank some wild lettuce tea, finished Sheila’s book up; all while I stared at my mountain, propped up on the couch.

What is super important about today guys? It’s Atlas Shrugged Day, Sept 2nd. Good old Hank, Dagney, and John. I think I’ll pull this one out again, after I read the next few in my “to read” stack. One of my good friends gave me a book he wanted me to read, The Road. He’s a good fella and he’s super smart. He says this one is “one to read”....I’m not certain what that means, but I’ll find out. So I’m on that one after I finish this JBP, but no hurry honey. I have nothing but time.

This picture below here is one of my absolute favorites from Atlas Shrugged. I love Dagney. She is a strong, confident, badass woman. She is everything I want to be, but maybe don’t know how to be. She makes mistakes and owns them, and pulls herself out of the muck and mire, to become what she wants. I have made so many mistakes and learned lessons, and I have silently owned them all, silently. You don’t have to tell someone out loud to atone for a “sin”. I don’t know if that counts for atonement or redemption, but silently they stay, and make me stronger. I atone to the moon and stars.

Have a wondeful Labor Day friends. I’m off to sit outside a while.

Quick question. When someone hurts you, are you allowed to walk away from them without explanation or guilt for the act? Even if they refuse to own the act of hurt? I am struggling with this. One reason is because I am an empath/fixer, and another reason is selfishness and ego. Do you meditate friends? Do you pray? Do you Shroom or smoke? What do you do? I am reading Maps of Meaning, I have read 12 Rules For Life, I have read Jung and Wright and self help books and psychology books, and I still cannot release whatever this is. Maybe I need a damn Shaman or a trip to a sweat lodge? Shoot me an email and tell me what you do to drown the ego.