10/4/2018 All Quality Here, Honey

Hey guys, how is your week going? Did you read my last blog post? You really should.

​It’s raining hard, and I am currently eating a handful of the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms my kiddos had for dinner. My husband is out of town again, on and off, until November. So, we are going to live it up around here and have cereal and pizza for dinner a lot! Also tonight I am reading a book that my book buddy gave me, called Bright’s Passage, by Josh Ritter. Josh is a friend of my book buddy, and he is a singer songwriter as well. He says this book is great, so we shall see. He is the same fella that recommended The Road to me.  

“Autumn. The grace in letting dead things fall.”

​I just finished Walden by Thoreau yesterday. It was a really interesting book. It was Thoreau’s account of the two years he spent in a cabin, alone, in Massachusetts. Justin Vernon did the same thing years ago. He is the lead singer of Bon Iver, check them out on YouTube. Listen to heavenly Father. I weep on that one honey. Anyways, Justin went to escape and find himself, and he wrote an entire album while there suffering. It must’ve been something wonderful and painful, and special. Anyhow, Thoreau built himself a cabin for like 30 bucks, on this place called Walden Pond, hence the name of the book. He grew a garden and sold some of his yield, spent time in nature, and focused on his consciousness. He used this time to re-examine the different elements of human identity and existence. Seems like he ate a lot of pork too.

Henry Thoreau was a lifelong journal-keeper, and so am I. I felt like Walden was a brilliant arrangement of two years’ worth of significant journal entries. His ideas really do encircle my own, in this stage in my life; in relation to the discovery of true self. I have read Civil Disobedience, and his ideas seems best to fit with my idea of the Libertarian party. He seems to proclaim that a man’s obligation is not to other men or government, but to his own self, or his own consciousness. The reality with this sort of thinking is though, that not all men have the same consciousness, or seem to have a grip on what is morally right and wrong. But, I mean who determines what is right and wrong anyhow? Our parents, us, the bible, our teachers, the world? It’s a lot to think about. Also, some people are mentally ill, and their thinking is flawed, then they pass this same thinking down to their children. Again, if they are mentally ill, then how do they determine what is right or wrong, good or evil, if their thinking is so skewed? Who taught them? Being a Libertarian myself, I share his same thoughts on many things that I read in both Walden and Civil Disobedience. His writings are as relevant today, as they were in 1854.

He wrote, “I believe it is in man's nature to be free”, and so I agree. 

​Alas, there is Facebook war in my little town. There is the usual rednecks that are questioning how our children are being kept safe in schools, but instead of doing it in a normal, civil manner, they are all losing their shit on social media, for all the world to see. I am so glad that I only use FB to try and educate (which is usually futile), or to make fun of my friends, or to say happy birthday. Yeah, I do that a lot. I also share a lot of artistic things there as well, that nobody seems to give a shit about. I am so glad to have these few people that I can actually hold a real conversation with outside of Facebook. If I tried to talk to half of the people that I am “friends” with on Facebook, in real life, I would not be a well-liked person. People like the funny person or the person that needs prayers, or the person that airs all their dirty laundry. They do not like the person that actually wants them to take something more away from a conversation that just how the weather was or what you did this weekend. People don’t like to think.

I was talking to someone today about this same thing, and I said “It’s about quality, not quantity right?” Listen, I want quality all the time. Spare me your fake bullshit and your half ass conversations. Don’t talk to me about the weather or your vacation, tell me what makes you excited. Talk to me about the stars and the planets and what book you just cannot live without. I want to feel every synapse fire when I talk to someone. Life is so short; it is too short to be someone’s afterthought. I don’t wanna be anyone’s afterthought. I want to die knowing that I pulled every last drop of meaning from every conversation, that meant something to me. This is corny as hell, but in Meet Joe Black (BTW watch that movie, it’s grand), Anthony Hopkins gives his daughter some advice:

"I want you to get swept away, sing with rapture, dance like a dervish. Love is passion, obsession... something you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, that will love you the same way back. How do you find them, forget your head and listen to your heart. Because the truth is honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well... you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows; lightening could strike."

I watch this movie at least once a year. I used to love this quote so much because I was delusional about finding that someone to love, like he says. But in the last five years, I definitely read these words differently. It’s not just about finding love, but finding meaning, your own meaning. And doing what makes you happy, and what fulfills you; whatever that may be. If finding that one person to spend your life with, and all that, is your happy, then so be it. You do you. That is not what I want. I don’t want to make my existence about someone else, I want to make it about me and what I did to feel good about being on this earth. Did I help others when I was able, did I learn things that made me feel good, did I love as often as I should, did I say what I needed to say when I needed to say it?

There are so many questions I was to answer before I die. I will be 35 in two weeks and I can say that so far the answer to a lot of them are no. I want to have someone to talk to that understands. I want to sit and read a book and talk to someone about it, and them actually give a damn about what I am saying. I have some really wonderful friends though, that I can get that from sometimes, but many times it is not enough. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, but I have some time for that. For now, I will focus my time with those that have quality though, and chemistry will find me.

I better quit, as this is edging on two pages.

Art by Andrea Ucini

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